| Abraham Lincoln | He can compress the most words into the smallest...
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| Alanis Morissette | We'll love you just the way you are if...
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| Alan Alda | If I can't get the girl, at least give...
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| Albert Einstein | Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity;...
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| Albert Einstein | When you are courting a nice girl an hour...
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| Alfred Hitchcock | Television has brought back murder into the home -...
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| Arnold Schwarzenegger | I have a love interest in every one of...
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| Benjamin Franklin | Wine is constant proof that God loves us and...
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| Bertrand Russell | I would never die for my beliefs because I...
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| Bette Davis | Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to...
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| Bette Davis | I'd luv to kiss ya, but I just washed...
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| Bill Cosby | Always end the name of your child with a...
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| Bill Cosby | Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is...
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| Bill Cosby | Human beings are the only creatures on earth that...
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| Bob Hope | A James Cagney love scene is one where he...
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| Brigitte Bardot | Percentages are why I am...
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| Brooke Shields | Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very...
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| Calvin Coolidge | I have never been hurt by what I have...
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| Carl Sandburg | I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going,...
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| Casey Stengel | All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your...
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| Charles M. Schulz | All you need is love. But a little chocolate...
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| Charles M. Schulz | I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to...
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| Chevy Chase | Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than...
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| Dave Barry | It is a scientific fact that your body will...
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| Dave Barry | The four building blocks of the universe are fire,...
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| David Ogilvy | The consumer isn't a moron; she is your...
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| Dennis Miller | I rant, therefore I...
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| Dennis Miller | I'm like Bush, I see the world more like...
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| Dennis Rodman | My feet are like gnarled old tree...
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| Don Marquis | Procrastination is the art of keeping up with...
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| Dustin Hoffman | The two basic items necessary to sustain life are...
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| Women are like teabags. We don't know our true...
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| My grandmother started walking five miles a day when...
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| People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a...
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| I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to...
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| I was the kid next door's imaginary...
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| My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure...
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| Erma Bombeck | A friend doesn't go on a diet because you...
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| Never have more children than you have car...
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| TV is chewing gum for the...
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| Food is an important part of a balanced...
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| You're only has good as your last...
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| California is a fine place to live - if...
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| Television is a medium because anything well done is...
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| What's on your mind, if you will allow the...
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| A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can...
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| Oh, the tiger will love you. There is no...
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| We learn from experience that men never learn anything...
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| Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money...
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| Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family...
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| I spent a year in that town, one...
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| Electricity is really just organized...
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| In comic strips, the person on the right always...
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| Weather forecast for tonight:...
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| Groucho Marx | A child of five would understand this. Send someone...
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| A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the...
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| Alimony is like buying hay for a dead...
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| I refuse to join any club that would have...
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| I was married by a judge. I should have...
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| Military justice is to justice what military music is...
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| You want a friend in Washington? Get a...
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| Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to...
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| One man's folly is another man's...
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| Moderation is a virtue only in those who are...
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| There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule...
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| I would talk in iambic pentameter if it were...
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| A judge is a law student who marks his...
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| It is even harder for the average ape to...
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| Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the...
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| I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes,...
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| I'm kidding about having only a few dollars. I...
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| James Thurber | A word to the wise is not sufficient if...
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| Women are wiser than men because they know less...
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| Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it...
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| The reason there are two senators for each state...
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| It all started when my dog began getting free...
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| My father would take me to the playground, and...
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| Joan Rivers | I knew I was an unwanted baby when I...
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| Joan Rivers | Never floss with a...
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| I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go...
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| The way taxes are, you might as well marry...
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| Josh Billings | A dog is the only thing on earth that...
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| Josh Billings | Every man has his follies - and often they...
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| Josh Billings | There's a great power in words, if you don't...
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| Katharine Hepburn | Life is hard. After all, it kills...
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| Ken Thompson | For most of that time, I've also been a...
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| Kool Keith | As I get older, I 've shied away from...
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| Laurence J. Peter | If two wrongs don't make a right, try...
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| Laurence J. Peter | Originality is the fine art of remembering what you...
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| Leon Kass | What does it mean to be an individual? What...
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| Lewis Mumford | Our national flower is the concrete...
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| Lily Tomlin | If love is the answer, could you please rephrase...
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| Lily Tomlin | If truth is beauty, how come no one has...
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| Lily Tomlin | Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle...
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| Lisa Kudrow | You're just treated differently as a blonde. You're just...
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| Mae West | I used to be Snow White, but I...
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| Mae West | When choosing between two evils, I always like to...
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| Marilyn Monroe | Hollywood is a place where they'll pay you a...
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| Marilyn vos Savant | Be able to go shopping for a bathing suit...
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| Marilyn vos Savant | Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when...
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| Mark Twain | Advertisements contain the only truths to be relied on...
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| Mark Twain | By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's,...
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| Mark Twain | Get your facts first, then you can distort them...
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| Mark Twain | Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the...
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| Mark Twain | There is no sadder sight than a young...
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| Marlene Dietrich | Most women set out to try to change a...
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| Mercedes McCambridge | I'd never been in play long enough for the...
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| Mike Myers | My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is...
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| Mitch Hedberg | A sleeping bag is a tortilla for a...
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| Mitch Hedberg | I drank some boiling water because I wanted to...
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| Mitch Hedberg | I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes...
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| Mitch Hedberg | My fake plants died because I did not pretend...
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| Mitch Hedberg | Your curveball won't curve. Because you're...
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| Mother Jones | I am not afraid of the pen, or the...
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| Naguib Mahfouz | God did not intend religion to be an exercise...
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| Natalie Wood | The only time a woman really succeeds in changing...
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| Noel Coward | I like long walks, especially when they are taken...
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| Oscar Levant | Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and...
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| Paula Poundstone | I don't have a bank account because I don't...
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| Pauly Shore | If I did become my character, I'd probably be...
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| Paul Lynde | I can't even get three weeks off to have...
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| Philip Pullman | For that reason you can't write with music playing,...
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| P. J. O'Rourke | Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is...
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| P. J. O'Rourke | Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people...
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| P. J. O'Rourke | Never fight an inanimate...
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| P. J. O'Rourke | Never wear anything that panics the...
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| Richard Whately | Honesty is the best policy; but he who is...
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| Rita Rudner | I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members...
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| Rita Rudner | In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it...
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| Robert Benchley | Drawing on my fine command of the English language,...
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| Robert Benchley | I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a...
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| Robert Orben | Never raise your hand to your children - it...
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| Robert Orben | Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all...
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| Rodney Dangerfield | I found there was only one way to look...
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| Rodney Dangerfield | I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I...
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| Rodney Dangerfield | I looked up my family tree and found three...
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| Ronald Reagan | Recession is when a neighbour loses his job. Depression...
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| Saint Augustine | O Lord, help me to be pure, but not...
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| Samuel Butler | Parents are the last people on earth who ought...
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| Samuel Goldwyn | For your information, I would like to ask a...
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| Samuel Goldwyn | I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until...
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| Satchel Paige | Airplanes may kill you, but they ain't likely to...
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| Shannen Doherty | If God wanted us to be naked, why did...
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| Shannen Doherty | My inner child is not...
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| Sitting Bull | When I was a boy, the Sioux owned the...
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| Spike Milligan | My Father had a profound influence on me, he...
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| Sri Chinmoy | There comes a time in the seeker's life when...
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| Stephen Collins | Personally, I love to go to church myself, and...
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| Stephen King | I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac...
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| Stephen Rea | I always wanted to be in movies but could...
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| Steven Wright | A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not...
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| Steven Wright | Cross country skiing is great if you live in...
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| Steven Wright | Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I...
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| Steven Wright | Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the...
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| Steven Wright | I bought some batteries, but they weren't...
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| Steven Wright | I busted a mirror and got seven years bad...
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| Steven Wright | I intend to live forever. So far, so...
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| Steve Harvey | My mother raised me in the church. I was...
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| Tommy Bolin | The best money I made was...
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| Toni Morrison | I like marriage. The...
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| Tracey Ullman | I think serial monogamy says it...
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| Victor Hugo | Fashions have done more harm than...
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| Voltaire | The superfluous, a very necessary...
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| Walt Disney | I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I...
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| William De Morgan | I don't want to achieve immortality by being inducted...
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| Will Rogers | I never expected to see the day when girls...
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| Will Rogers | I'm not a real movie star. I've still got...
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| Woody Allen | I will not eat oysters. I want my food...
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| Woody Allen | If my films make one more person miserable, I'll...
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| Woody Allen | Money is better than poverty, if only for financial...
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| W. C. Fields | I am free of all prejudices. I hate every...
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| W. C. Fields | I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it...
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| W. C. Fields | I never drink water because of the disgusting things...
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| W. C. Fields | Start every day off with a smile and get...
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| Yogi Berra | A nickel ain't worth a dime...
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| Yogi Berra | I never said most of the things I...
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| Yogi Berra | If you ask me anything I don't know, I'm...
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| Zsa Zsa Gabor | He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep...
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